I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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