So drunk its hurt
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
