Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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