I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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