Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
