i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
