new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
