Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
