I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
