dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
