my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my shit smells like andre
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
