Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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