I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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