Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
