Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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