Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
