I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
