Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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