Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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