the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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