I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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