I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
