so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize