God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
