New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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