did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
