i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
