I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
