Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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