i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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