when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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