The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
