I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
