oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
dude. I can hear the air.
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