I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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