Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
