got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
