I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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