If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize