I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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