if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
