if you like me you must not know who I am
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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