After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
