3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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