i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
