i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Everyone says I win the strip club
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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