If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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