My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
