and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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