why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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