i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
