i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
