i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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