just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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