Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
we made out on top of his cat.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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