I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
