I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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