Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We're too hungover to prance.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
