she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
