When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
