i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
