I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
this hospital has no fireball
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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