I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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