So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
